New to This

I started writing my blog just in a Word document in October, and I'm only getting around to publishing it now. So I'll be a little behind to start, but I'll catch up. Today is January 22, 2011, but my first post is from October 1, 2010.

October 1, 2010

I’ve recently been inspired to start a blog. Not because I think anyone actually wants to read it, but because I have to get these thoughts and feelings out onto something concrete so that I can move forward. Literally. I feel held back by my passing thoughts.

I have many ideas for topics, but I’m not sure where to start. So I suppose I’ll just begin with introducing myself – to those who are bored enough to be reading this.

I am a 30-year-old who feels like a 24-year-old, most days. I am a true redhead. I am a trained professional vocalist. I am the sixth of seven children in an Italian/Irish Catholic family. My mom is arguably my best friend. I got married 2 1/2 years ago to a wonderful 100% American Italian Catholic man named Christopher who is from the same hometown and church parish. We’d never met until the summer of 2007. We have one daughter in heaven named Ava, one daughter here on earth named Aria and one baby on the way in April, the gender of whom is yet to be determined. We live in a cute Cape Cod style home in New Kensington, merely 10 houses away from where Christopher grew up, and where his parents still live. My parents live 5 minutes away, as do most of my siblings.

I am fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom, although it makes things a little tight financially some months…especially during the Holidays! But it’s totally worth it to us. My mother stayed at home with all seven of us and we are all still very close to her and each other. I love being the main caretaker of Aria, and being able to witness every little change in her that comes with each new day. She’s starting to walk now and it’s the most amazing thing to me – I don’t remember the last time I got so excited by something like I do when I’m cheering her on. She is the most fascinating creature I’ve ever known. It’s safe to say that I’m totally in love with her.

The death of our first daughter, Ava, in August of 2008, has changed me forever. I used to be happier – I can’t explain it. The devastation that occurred inside me the moment we found out she had no heartbeat, while I was in labor, is something that will always be with me – physically, mentally and emotionally. I even look different when I see myself in the mirror and in pictures. It was a major turning point in my life and I can never go back to the person I was before August 27, 2008. But I’ve tried to piece together the parts of a “normal” life so that I’ve been able to move forward – not move on – move FORWARD. There’s a difference. Even though I wanted to die when the angel of my heart passed away, I knew that I couldn’t do that to my husband and my family. And then, three months later, when we found out I was pregnant again (something that I’d sworn I didn’t want in the weeks following Ava’s death), I knew I had to live for this next baby. And, in fact, it was this baby, Aria, who probably saved my life.

I love October. Today is the first day of October 2010 and it is such a perfect day. It is GORGEOUS and sunny and cool. October gives me a renewed sense of hope – weird, I know – since it’s the end of the year. But there’s something about the crisp autumn air and the seasonal treats and the reds, oranges and yellows…that make me joyful. I remember, for the longest time, I wanted to get married in the month of October. That was the original idea when Christopher and I first got engaged. But then we sped things along so that we could provide a home for Ava. I don’t even know how to address that now.

I feel like I should stop right here for now. I know it was a jumble of things, but I hope it served as a proper introduction. I will be elaborating on all this subjects in my coming posts. I want to thank my friends Janene and Christine for inspiring me to create a blog. I hope to get to know all of my readers in their blogs as well. Thank you for taking the time to humor me...