So, you'd think that, since I've cried every day for the past 2 years and 5 months that I couldn't possibly still be able to produce tears. At least, I'm amazed that I still do. And I'm not always given warning that they will start to fall. Some days are much easier than others and I only shed a few solitary tears. My comical, active toddler certainly helps to distract me and shake me from my reveries! I thank the good Lord every day for the bright light that she is in my life. But other days...well, it takes me right back to those first few days after my heart broke into billions of pieces.
Christopher and I were watching something about the Kennedy's home movies on Sunday night, and it hadn't been a particularly difficult day - in fact it had been quite pleasant. We'd spent a great Sunday together as a family, something that I always will cherish. Yet, within a few minutes of watching, I spiraled into a full-on sobbing fit. Did you know that Jackie and Jack had a baby boy that died shortly after birth? His name is Patrick. He was their last child. I had no idea. The "news" hit me like a bomb. It took me right back to that cold, dark examination room, right when they told us that Ava had no heartbeat. How could that be, when I was in labor, ready to deliver her? Don't misunderstand - I am in that hospital room a little bit every day, in some degree or another. But this just hit so hard and unexpectedly, on such a nice evening, and I was lost for an hour in my sweet husband's arms, sobbing hysterically about our dear 1st baby girl. Two years and five months later, I still cry as hard as I did when it first happened. Why is that? HOW is that? And will I ever run out of tears?
I can't tell my whole story of losing Ava at one time, so my posts now and then will contain little bits and pieces of what I can share. I am hoping that someday I am strong enough to tell it in its entirety, because I think that that may help me. I did have to give a pretty detailed account to the few lawyers with whom we spoke soon after Ava's death, but that was different. That was an account of what happened...which we never actually fully found out. But that's quite ANOTHER story. So, blogging is certainly a wonderful free alternative to therapy sessions (which didn't really help me much)! But, don't worry - I will also talk a LOT about my 2nd daughter and my son that will arrive in April. I will share stories of my husband and all of my loved ones. You see, even though Ava never breathed a breath outside of my womb, she is still very much alive inside of me, and as important and precious to me as any of my children. I know that people who read this that have lost children will certainly understand.
There are days that I have had in the past two years and five months that have saved my life - physically, emotionally and spiritually. And there will be many more happy times ahead, I know. I won't understand why I had to lose my daughter Ava until I get to Heaven. You'd better believe I'll wait in line to talk to Jesus and ask Him "why". But something I heard on the radio last night - on a Christian station - gave me hope. The speaker told of something someone said when a father lost his two daughters. "You will spend more happy times in eternity with your children than you would have here on earth". I believe that is true. I HAVE to. And so I move along on this earth, enjoying what I can, awaiting a joyful reunion with my baby girl and all of my loved ones. In the meantime, I'm going to go hug and kiss and squeeze my sweet, funny little 18-month-old.